My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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