i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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