Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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