I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
