my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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