even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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