If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
