I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
