sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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