so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
