You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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