Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
