This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
