pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
