i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
