That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
