I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize