I think I won the penis lottery.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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