i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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