On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
