i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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