Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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