Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
