I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
