I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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