Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
