In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize