the condom got lost in my hair
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're a waste of cheezeits
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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