Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
