she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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