There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
