normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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