drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
