FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He has the fingertips of a God
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