Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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