Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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