1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize