the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
