I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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