He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
