God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
