Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
