that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
