im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
