I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
