What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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