She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
