Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
