I wish my penis had an off switch
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you didnt know i had herpes?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
