you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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