I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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