you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
