I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
