I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
