Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
