He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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