I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
