I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
