but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
